


Habits of my heart

by 447AM



Category: Block B
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Love/Hate Relationship, M/M, pretentious fake deep parts about love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 14:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8582710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/447AM/pseuds/447AM
Summary: When Jiho and Minhyuk met, there were no sparks in the air and no butterflies in their stomachs. Their love is a sober, yet addicting one that they can't let go no matter what.





	

What is love?

 

Love is difficult to define, and you'll get a slightly different answer, varying definitions, from every single person you ask.   
Some say it's the feeling of safety, or the tingling in their stomach, the way you can't help but smile when they're around.  
It's thinking of them when a love song is playing on the radio, or imagining growing old with them.  
Supporting the other no matter what, being comfortable around each other.   
Holding hands even on the coldest days, because the warmth of their hand is all you need.   
8 billion people, 8 million definitions. 

 

For Jiho, love is the same as coming home. All his past relationships had in common that he felt at home, at peace, safe and sound, like nothing in the world could harm him.  
For Minhyuk, love is being completely open and honest, no secrets, nothing to hide, nothing to conceal. He lets all his guards down and shares his every thought, trust with no boundaries. 

 

And both were sure love and hate were opposites.   
Sometimes, definitions may change. 

 

When Jiho and Minhyuk met, there were no sparks in the air and no butterflies in their stomachs. Their first touch didn't feel like magic and when Jiho told Minhyuk his name he almost forgot about it the next minute. It was much simpler, much more sober, than all the love stories playing in cinemas. 

 

They met at a party, not small, not big. They started talking because Jiho asked Minhyuk to blow the smoke of his cigarette in another direction and Minhyuk apologized and did so. Just a friendly request.  
They exchanged numbers because Minhyuk talked about a great karaoke place, and wanted to give Jiho the address later. Just small talk.   
They started texting because Minhyuks flight was cancelled and he was bored with nothing to do at an airport and Jiho was the only one online. Just a distraction.  
They met again because Jiho got lost and ended up in a part of town he never usually visits. Just a random encounter.   
They had their first date at a pub Minhyuk didn't like, and the second at a restaurant Jiho thought was pretentious. Just two very average dates.   
They kissed by accident, and continued because why stop when it doesn't feel bad. Just a kiss.   
They met at Jihos home for the first time for a movie night and Minhyuk fell asleep halfway through the second one. Just hanging out.  
They had sex because Jiho didn’t stop kissing his neck, and didn’t stop pulling on his shirt, and Minhyuk thought Jiho looked pretty in the dim lights of his bedroom. Just one time.

 

They realized they were in a relationship after Jiho spent an entire weekend at Minhyuks place, just laying in bed talking, ordering greasy food and watching shows.   
Jiho asked if he should call when he's home, and Minhyuk said it sounds like they were a couple.  
'Should I?'  
'Please do.'  
Jiho put on his beanie and Minhyuk kissed him goodbye on his nose. 

 

Jiho likes that Minhyuk isn't clingy, Minhyuk likes that Jiho isn't cheesy.  
Jiho likes that Minhyuk is confident, Minhyuk likes that Jiho independent.   
They don't call each other darling or sweetheart, no pet names, no cute little texts inbetween.   
They hold each other in their sleep, and Jiho lays his head on Minhyuks lap when they're watching movies while Minhyuk draws little circles with his index finger on Jihos arm.  
They go out for dinners and both pay for their own meals, because they want to. Jiho once payed for Minhyuks drink and Minhyuk gave him the money back the very next day.  
They like each other, and love their freedom.

 

It's all so sober, so unromantic, yet somewhere between their sixth month as a couple and that one time Jiho spend the 4th night in a row at Minhyuks place, they got so used to each other, the same way people start drinking a glass of wine once a week and end up with an empty bottle once a day after a while, the same way the 2 hour train ride every morning to work starts feeling like the blink of an eye after a while. They got used to each other, and couldn't let this habit go, couldn't stop being in a relationship.   
The thought of going out alone on a saturday night suddenly felt strange to Minhyuk, and Jiho couldn’t imagine a life without the smell of Minhyuks perfume.  
And it sounds so sweet in the films and the books, when you read that they can't stop being with each other, that even after years, their smiles don't fade, and that they are happily in love ever after.  
But Jiho and Minhyuk aren't the movie screen couple, aren't the protagonist of a 5$ clearance love novel.   
And at one point, they started hating things about the other, little things that grew bigger and bigger. Things they used to like, used to admire, used to miss.   
But they can't let go, can't go without the other even if it drives them crazy, this paradox, that whenever they’re together, they want to leave, and once they’re alone, they wanna go back.   
They're selfish, stubborn, cold, and neither of them would ever admit that it's over, that they wee wrong, that this isn't love anymore, that maybe it never was in the first place.

 

Maybe it never was, Jiho thinks as he comes home and wants to turn on his heels again.  
Maybe it never was, Minhyuk thinks as he fakes a good mood and swallows down the urge to complain.   
Can it be love when you don't have anything in common, Jiho thinks as he listens to Minhyuk talking about things he doesn't really care about.  
Can it be love when you don't mind when they leave, MInhyuk thinks as he watches Jiho drive to work.

 

They think it’s love when Jiho tries to make breakfast for them on a Sunday morning and burns the eggs and MInhyuk eats them anyways.  
They think it’s love when they stumble home from a night out and help each other undress.  
They think it’s love when Minhyuk comes home with three different magazines about young hiphop artists, all excited because Jiho got mentioned in them in a tiny article on the last page.

 

They think it never was when Jiho comes home late and goes straight to bed.  
They think it never was when they sit across each other at dinner and don’t have a word to say to each other.  
They think it never was when Minhyuk just sits in the corner texting god knows who at an important event for Jiho. 

 

Sometimes, they feel like they know it never was. Those times when they fight, some months more, some months less.   
Their fights grow big and ugly every time, like tumors spreading in their brains, pushing back every positive, lovely thing about the other, leaving nothing but darkness, anger, despair.  
They were in love, once, maybe.  
It always starts with one tiny thing, like leaving the dishes in the sink, missing a date.   
And it grows and grows, until they’re fighting about everything there is, until all they feel is hate.   
And they always end up sitting across each other, Minhyuk with crossed legs, one arm on the back rest of the couch, head thrown back. Jihos feet both on the ground, elbows rested on his knees, head down.

 

And they talk in possibilities, in 'what ifs' and 'woulds' and 'in theory', because they can't bring it over themselves to truly put an end to this, even if their every thought circles around all the things they can't stand about the other.   
Because they’d be alone, there would be no one to draw small circles on Jihos arm, no one to tease Minhyuk about his eyebrows.   
Maybe there would be, after some time, but it wouldn’t be Jiho, wouldn’t be Minhyuk. Would it feel right? 

 

'Where would you go, you know. If we broke up?'

 

Another thing Jiho hates about Minhyuk is that he made him give up his own space. It was a long fight, who would move, who would give up freedom. In the end, Jiho gave in, because he knows Minhyuk would never do so. He treasures his personal space, and put work in this apartment. So Jiho moved, packed all his stuff in cardboard boxes and Minhyuk bought a bigger closet for his stuff. 

 

'Sleep in the studio, maybe. For a while.'

 

Another thing Minhyuk hates about Jiho is that he's always busy, and always on the run, and never there. Minhyuk was alone when his friend left for the army, was alone when his grandmother passed away, was alone every time when he was scared and anxious and down. And by the time Jiho finally came back, he got up by himself again, and put on a smile, just for Jiho, because the little time they had shouldn't be spent blue. But he wants him to be home, wants him to just stop working till the early morning hours. Minhyuk isn't the type to beg, would never ask him to come home earlier. 

 

'Like you do right now anyways, most of the time.'

 

Another thing Jiho hates about Minhyuk is that he puts a million of accusations, a million stabs in the back, a million punches in the face, into a single sentence. He chooses his words so that they hurt, that they make Jiho flinch, feel bad, cry, apologize, almost every time. Minhyuk doesn't speak up often, but when he does, it's like a bullet straight through his brain. 

 

'You know I'm working hard.'

 

Another thing Minhyuk hates about Jiho is that he thinks the world has him as its axis, that everything and everyone circles around him, the sun, the shining star, the perfect man. It's like Minhyuk has to remind him every time that he also has a job, friends, projects, a life. That he's not just breathing and living when Jiho's around. 

 

'You know I also work, right?'

 

Another thing Jiho hates about Minhyuk is that he doesn't understand him, even when he should. They're both so ambitious, perfectionists, yet Minhyuk rolls his eyes when Jiho talks about his work. He just doesn’t seem to understand that this is what he loves, what he’s passionate about. He doesn’t understand that there is enough space in Jihos heart for both music and MInhyuk. 

 

'I do know, and you know that.'

 

Another thing Minhyuk hates about Jiho is that he chooses to ignore. He knows about all the things that drive Minhuyk mad, but he does them again and again and again, like he doesn't care.  
Minhyuk is tired of tiptoeing around, of trying to please him, trying to play the ever happy boyfriend, when Jiho doesn’t care. He really doesn’t. 

 

'Whatever.'

 

Another thing Jiho hates about Minhyuk is that he never shows anyone his vulnerable side. He's either ice or fire, but never rain, aggressive or happy but never sad. Jiho never saw him cry, never saw him on the edge. Just laughing or staring at him like he wants him dead. 

 

'Do you wanna break up?'  
'Do you?'

 

And Minhyuk stays quiet.  
And Jiho falls silent as well. 

 

And they look at each other, each waiting for a sign, a something they could hold onto, a something that shows them this still makes sense, that this is still love. And neither of them move because they're waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting until the sun sets and waiting till the stars shine bright. Waiting until they both get up at the same time, both walking to bed, and laying down facing each other, no touching, no sweet words, not even a look that may signalize an apology, a compromise.   
When the sun rises the next day, Jiho has his arms around Minhyuk, and Minhyuks lips formed into a smile in his sleep.  
When they both get up, they first look at the floor, then at each other, and can't seem to find the reason for their fight yesterday again, can’t remember the things that made them so upset, can’t find a flaw in the other.   
Jiho makes breakfast and burns the eggs, and Minhyuk laughs and eats them anyways.  
It's the same thing every time. 

 

Jiho will come home late again.   
Minhyuk will say painful things to him again.   
They'll wake up next to each other again. 

 

A thing Jiho hates about himself: That he never stops missing Minhyuk when he's at work.  
A thing Minhyuk hates about himself: That it takes him hours to fall asleep alone, but only a moment once Jiho is next to him.

 

A thing Jiho loves about Minhyuk: his dimple. Or his cute little chuckle when he's embarrassed. Or how he starts snoring a little once when he's deep asleep.  
A thing Minhyuk loves about Jiho: His ambition, how he inspires him to work harder every day. Or his double chin when he's laughing. Or how he sits on his lap when he's drunk. 

 

Minhyuk no longer thinks love means having no secrets.  
Jiho no longer thinks of love as the feeling of being home. 

 

Jiho loves Minhyuk.  
Minhyuk loves Jiho.  
That's love.

**Author's Note:**

> hooo boi this is like my 17th fic and I STILL SUCK AT SUMMARIES good job jana ! 
> 
> ive been writing this since like.. mid October lmao and finally added the last bits to finish it :')) as i told y'all, zibomb is like. My New Thing. :')


End file.
